After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
