So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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