Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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