i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
false alarm, still single
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize