planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
