Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
