At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
