There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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