we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I think my moral compass just broke
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
