You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
