sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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