Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
