I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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