At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
