it hurts more in the daytime
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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