and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
