tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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