you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
