There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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