THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
