Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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