Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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