i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
