I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
