I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
