nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
