i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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