Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
