Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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