I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
