That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
