Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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