if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
