I think my vagina is haunted
Say something about gay babies.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Randomize
