Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
