Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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