i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
