Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
tonight lets celebrate not being married
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
