her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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