mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
