I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
