New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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