Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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