i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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