I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
