my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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