the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
