the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
