You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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