Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
