I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Welp...herpes.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
