Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Do vagina's smell?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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