I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
