U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
