Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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